September 7, 2008 by theultimatecheese
Does Brody Jenner have an evil twin? Tonight on The Hills, we were introduced to an alterna-Brody. This Brody has stubble and wears sunglasses indoors and seems angry all the time and spends the night in jail and—most interestingly—is some sort of truth-telling machine. I kinda like this guy!
The trouble began as the gang jetted to Vegas to celebrate Frankie birthday. After last week’s yawner of a break-up, everything remained cordial between LC and Doug (or “baby” and “Dougie” as they referred to each other). An aside: From what I’m seeing, it doesn’t seem like LC has any real reason to be mad when the She-Pratt has her much-hyped date with Doug later in the season. Lauren just seems so ovah him. But I digress.
Things were not so cordial between the new, improved Brody and Stephanie (who is so clearly being moved into the friend position formerly occupied by Audrina–she might as well take over the guest house, too!) First, Brody made a passive aggressive toast to Stephanie on the jet. Then, when she attempted to call him out over dinner, he called her a “complete psycho.” Even when tears sprang to the She-Pratt’s eyes, The Brodster continued to verbally kick her ass until she fled to the bathroom. (Oh and earlier, Brody was seriously hating on Audrina, telling Lauren to just kick her out of the house already! Perhaps the new Brody emerged because the old one is sick of hearing LC whine about her same problems all the time?)
Even Lauren seemed taken aback by the changed Brody. She stayed quiet and only comforted the weeping She-Pratt when they were safely ensconced in their room alone. Her advice: “Don’t ever cry over someone who wouldn’t cry over you.” That’s one for the ages. A true Lauren-ism. She should really compile her words of wisdom into a day calendar or something. Sigh.
Back in Speidi-land, Heidi’s sister, Holly, moved in, as we knew she would. On her very first night in town, Speidi ditched their new (and probably hungry!) roomie and went out to dinner. As Heidi called out, “Bye! Call me if you need anything! Love you!” it was serious deja vu—that’s the same thing she used to say when she left Lauren at home and ran off to Spencer. (Additional deja vu: Spencer calling Heidi at work and ordering her out to his car for a talk.) Anyway, the typical roomie hijinks ensued (Holly wears PJs and it makes Spencer uncomfortable! Holly erases Spencer’s TV shows on Tivo!) and I’m sure there’s much more of that to come.
Things have gone from bad to worse between LC and Audrina. (Why would Audrina and Justin Bobby even go to Vegas with them? Makes no sense.) The showdown is coming next episode. Personally, instead of crying their eyeliner off, I think the girls should just call in The Brodster to handle all this. He’d set everyone straight.
Oh and another thing: How come the ever-present MTV cameras didn’t capture the alleged incident of “disrespect” at Goa between LC and Audrina? Seriously, what are they paying these guys for?
Tags: Audrina Patridge, Brody Jenner, Lauren Conrad, Stephanie Pratt, The Hills
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September 2, 2008 by theultimatecheese
Dear Kelly Cutrone, Will you hire me? Will you pluck me out of obscurity and teach me how to be a “Power Bitch” and also find me a male model Columbia-educated boyfriend? I have no life whatsoever and can work all day, every day. Thanks! xx
On last night’s episode of The Hills, Whitney arrived in New York City and quickly became immersed in shirtless male models. Like a border collie herding sheep, Kelly Cutrone expertly isolated one fine-looking specimen, ordering the lad to appear at “8:45 sharp” for drinks at the SoHo Grand. “This is multi-tasking in the Power Bitch world,” Kelly explained to a flustered Whitney. Then Kelly didn’t show up so that Whitney would be left alone with the guy—What a boss!
The rest of the show sucked. LC and the She-Pratt had a rousing debate about hamsters v. guinea pigs and Doug got dumped. To add insult to injury, LC called him “Dougie” as she awkwardly delivered the news that he was “way too nice” for her. Yeesh.
Oh and another thing: If you’re a glutton for punishment (like me), tune in Sunday at 7:30 p.m. for a new episode of The Hills. This one looks promising: Brody gets arrested—hopefully by the fashion police for sporting the ugly camo T-shirt he wore last night.
Tags: Kelly Cutrone, Lauren Conrad, The Hills, Whitney Port
Posted in The Hills Season 4 | 1 Comment »
August 25, 2008 by theultimatecheese
Actually, it’s like watching paint dry. The Hills was a big snooze tonight. My mom summed it up in this way: “Everyone went to a birthday party and left as soon as Spencer came. I don’t blame them–I can’t stand him!”
Somehow, everyone’s mouths simultaneously froze in open-mouthed astonishment when Speidi showed up at Stephanie’s birthday party, bearing a bouquet of helium balloons. Why the shock? I mean, didn’t LC think Heidi and Spencer might show up? Didn’t she remember that she is, in fact, on The Hills, where everyone always ends up showing up in the same place, especially when you don’t want them to?
But the Speidi encounter was a real bore. Nothing happened! I mean, the two warring “ships” barely exchanged not-so-nice looks before LC and her posse (AKA most of the party) left. Yawn. The only time I laughed was when Lo positioned her face over a candle, making her look eerily like The Leprachaun, as she continued being a total bitch to Audrina.
In other news, that chick we all knew was going to get fired at People’s Revolution finally got fired. And Whitney embarked on an exciting new bicoastal lifestyle. (I actually read last week that Whitney has left People’s Revolution for Diane von Furstenberg … exciting if true!)
As far as next week, it seems like LC has already lost that lovin’ feeling for Doug. (One day you’re digging out prom pics, the next you’re not feeling it quite so much.) And everyone continues to theorize that maybe, just maybe, Stephanie shouldn’t be trusted. Hey, I have an idea: Why doesn’t everyone just actually stop trusting her instead of endlessly debating whether they should? And why doesn’t Spencer stop talking to her, rather than staging yet another boring sibling sit-down? Take action, people! Think of the viewers. How much more can we take?
Oh and another thing: Special thanks to Michelle Obama for delaying her DNC address until after The Hills! (She was great, wasn’t she?)
Tags: Heidi Montag, Lauren Conrad, Spencer Pratt, Stephanie Pratt, The Hills, Whitney Port
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August 20, 2008 by theultimatecheese
ABC has announced that our fave single dad, Jason Mesnick, will be the star of the new Bachelor season, airing in January. (C’mon, you didn’t think it would be Graham, did you?) As you will recall, Jason, and his adorable son, Ty, captured everyone’s hearts (except maybe DeAnna’s, though she obviously cared for them both) on the last installment of The Bachelorette.
Think you’re the right woman for Jason? You can apply to be one of the ladies vying for those roses right here.
Tags: The Bachelor, DeAnna Pappas, Jason Mesnick
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August 19, 2008 by theultimatecheese
My favorite scene from last night’s Hills premiere was when the pink mohawked gentleman above was getting thrown into the pool during Audrina’s birthday party as Lo watched from the kitchen with a disgusted look on her face, as though he was going to dirty up the water.
So! Promising, right? I like where we’re headed with the whole Lo-Audrina war. But I’m not sold on Doug, Lauren’s new/old love interest. I don’t really see the appeal. He’s like a blotchier, much less-cute Ryan Reynolds. The date seemed awkward (as first dates often are) and it was odd when he said he wanted to go out again after about two seconds. LC was really reaching when she tried to read into his drink order. “I think your drink says a lot about you,” she said, determining that Doug was a “guy’s guy” because he ordered a Stella Artois beer. Really? Stella says you’re a “guy’s guy”? I think Guinness says you’re a guy’s guy. Maybe even Bud Lite. But not Stella.
On to Audrina’s birthday party, full of tattooed, leather-wearing in the summertime folks. They looked like fun! But Lo wasn’t having it, sulking in the house. (She seems to get really threatened when she can’t control a situation.) Later, when Lo and Audrina had their showdown, did you notice how Lo kept saying, “We feel” and “We’ve tried” (as in her and Lauren) rather than just speaking for herself? Audrina seemed more honest and blunt when she said: “I just don’t feel like I click with you.”
Onward to Speidi. Spencer, despite having gotten what he supposedly wanted by moving back in with Heidi, was a complete dick to Heidi’s visiting sister, Holly. (Spencer is also still rocking last season’s depression beard.) Heidi pouted (as much as her new face would allow) and Holly got extensions, thus beginning what is sure to be a scary Hollywood makeover that will render her totally unrecognizable by season’s end.
What do you think? Did last night’s Hills premiere live up to the hype?
Tags: Audrina Patridge, Lauren Conrad, Lo Bosworth, The Hills
Posted in The Hills Season 4 | 2 Comments »
August 18, 2008 by theultimatecheese
The Hills is technically back tonight at 10 p.m., but we won’t know if it’s really back–as in, actually worth watching again–until after that. My hopes are high. Probably stupidly, unrealistically high. That happens to me from time to time. At the least, though, I think we have new opening credits to anticipate. Meet you back here tomorrow to discuss!
Tags: The Hills
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August 18, 2008 by theultimatecheese
I’ve been watching VH1’s I Want to Work for Diddy and it’s pretty entertaining. I’m sort of over Diddy himself but I’m totally into Laverne, the transgendered dancing queen contestant. And last Thursday she sat next to me on the N train! It was about 1:30 in the afternoon and I was coming from Queens. I think she got on around 59th Street in Manhattan. She was striking, totally decked out in a tight black pencil skirt, sky-high heels, and red lipstick. She had an oriental fan that she was waving around dramatically and her perfume smelled divine. A guy on the train came up to her and said he saw her on the show ”with Puff Daddy” (hey, who can possibly keep all his names straight?) and wished her luck. She thanked him, and got off the train with me at 34th Street.
I’m not sure what this sighting means as far as whether Laverne succeeded on the show. Would Diddy’s assistant be on public transportation? I thought all his people rolled in Escalades…
Tags: I Want to Work for Diddy, Laverne, P. Diddy
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August 18, 2008 by theultimatecheese
Was anyone else totally caught up in the endless Hills reruns/”Most Memorable Moments” special this weekend? I was completely immersed and got excited for the new season in the process.
Here’s one of my stand-out moments from The Hills: Poor Whitney’s fall on Good Morning America at the end of Season 2. On a show where the characters tool around in BMWs, wear fantasy clothes, and are impossibly pretty (well, most of them), Whitney’s spill was one of the few relatable moments for me.
I fall. All the time, actually. I slip off curbs. I end up sprawled on the sidewalk after stepping into a hole. I’ve fallen down a flight of stairs in the library (all alone, mercifully) and down the subway steps at rush hour, with my purse’s contents spilling everywhere and a bunch of strangers rushing to my aid.
I fall so much that just seeing stairs causes me anxiety. I hold on to the hand railing if I can and I move to the side when someone in a hurry is breathing down my neck. But sometimes there is no railing. Sometimes there is sand, as there was at the beach-themed restaurant where I had dinner last week. This place had pounds of sand all over the floor (clever!) and, on the way out, I slipped down the stairs. I went down hard and scraped my elbow. The jerky guy I was with, rather than seeing if I was okay, laughed at me.
I wish I could have recovered as gracefully as Whitney, but I just got up and limped away, pissed off, red-faced, and bleeding from the elbow. Oh well.
Tags: Falling, The Hills, Whitney Port
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August 18, 2008 by theultimatecheese
“Whatever happened to class?” my father wondered today. This was after I told him a humiliating story about slipping down the stairs at a restaurant a few nights ago while my date, rather than um … helping me up, laughed at me. More on that in a bit.
Like that lame guy I went to dinner with, John Mayer seems to be seriously lacking in class. As you’ve probably heard by now, Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have reportedly broken up. Fine. Better luck next time, kids. But what does John Mayer do? Well, he apparently feels the need to explain the reasoning behind the break-up to a bunch of reporters.
He started out okay, saying, “Write that Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I’ve ever met …She’s one of the most lovely people I’ve ever met in my life.” Great. But then he goes on to say they broke up because of “different chemistry” and “I ended a relationship to be alone because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right … I guarantee you [that] 20 percent of the people on this street right now who are in a relationship wish they could get out but they don’t know how.”
Sheesh, man.
Look, I’m sure JM is a marked man right now and people are following him around, hounding him for comment (similar to probably every other day in his life) but can’t he just say, “She’s great. It didn’t work. I wish her well.” Rather than I don’t want to waste somebody’s time which sounds a lot like: She wanted more. I wasn’t feeling it. And then all that nonsense about how lots of people want to get out of things but can’t and his invoking chemistry.If a friend of mine told me they broke up with someone because of “different chemistry,” I would take that to mean she/he wasn’t really attracted to the other person, there was no spark, or they just didn’t connect physically. And that’s just an unnecessary thing to tell the world. So, John? Zip it, please.
Tags: Break-Ups, Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments »
August 1, 2008 by theultimatecheese
On August 18, Season 4 of The Hills starts on MTV. That is, if you can make it through whatever lame, two-hour-long “world premiere” that MTV has likely dreamed up to torture us: Red carpet arrivals, some pointless musical guest, and “exclusive” interviews with people like Brent Bolthouse, followed by 15 minutes of the actual show.
As you can tell, I have mixed feelings about the return of The Hills. Let’s face it: That last “bonus season” sucked. I have my doubts that the show can regain the magic of Season 2.
Why? Well, as the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly points out (and exemplifies, by the fact that Lauren is on the cover) our girls have very small “non-fame” lives now. Lauren has her fashion line, her AT&T commercials, her “global brand.” Heidi has her own clothing line and her “music” (heh). Audrina is making her movie debut. And Whitney is probably getting a spin-off.
I think that, in order to bear any resemblance to actual reality, The Hills will have to incorporate this uh…obvious reality. Otherwise, it’s just silly. Or maybe it’ll end. Lauren says so to EW: ”Every season, I think it’s the last. Right now, I think this is the last season.”
The EW cover photo takes its inspiration from one of Lauren’s recurring nightmares: She dreams that she’s being filmed while she’s sleeping. (Wait. They don’t film her while she sleeps? My god, what have we missed?) But The Hills is starting to feel like our long, national recurring nightmare. Take this quote from MTV exec Tony DiSanto: ”It’s almost becoming like a novel at this point, like this generation’s A Tale of Two Cities or Oliver Twist.”
Excuse me, I suddenly feel the urge to go … read a book or something.
Tags: Audrina Patridge, Heidi Montag, Lauren Conrad, The Hills, Whitney Port
Posted in The Hills, The Hills Season 4 | No Comments »
