The Bachelor, Week Four: In every Bachelor season (god knows I’ve seen a few), there comes a week when it occurs to the participants that oh, gosh, this is really real.  They never expected to feel this way so fast, you see. It’s just really real now.

Well, this week was the really real week for the ladies of our latest installment. Cue sighing and crying and soul searching. But before that, get to the set of General Hospital stat! Really, ABC, you stoop so low sometimes. Last year, Matt and Shayne had to do time at a screening of Made of Honor, for God’s sake (an ABC/Disney movie starring ABC star Patrick Dempsey. This, my friends, is synergy).

Anyway! I just have a one real observation/thoughtful comment this week. So many of the ladies, a disturbing number, seem to use Jason as the repository for all their vague hopes and longings. I saw this especially with dear Nikki. After 11 years in a relationship, and 12 short months out of it, Nikki is so very tired of being all alone. She wants to be a “we.” She wants to be a mom, like yesterday. Oh there’s Jason! He could fill out the “we.” And he already has a kid. Perfect!

I would argue, from what we saw of Nikki, that she has no idea who she is outside of her last (and only) relationship. It seems like she’s looking for a relationship to define her, like she stopped getting to know herself at age 17 and doesn’t know how to start over. It was troubling how quickly she blamed herself for not being smart or pretty enough or “perfect” or what have you when Jason dumped her following their Waltz of Doom.

Same with the dental hygienist: “I want someone to come home to. I want to be a wife. I want to be a mom.” Right, but what makes this guy THE guy? What makes you believe he’s the man for you? So many of the women talk about why they’re right for Jason. But why is he right for them?

It’s disheartening, is all I’m saying. I want to shake these ladies through the screen of my laptop. I would like to tell them to chill out. Odds are, you will all get married one day. Most people do it, at least once. Until then, enjoy some quality time with yourself. Read a book. See Man on Wire (it’s freakin’ amazing). Volunteer. Get a pet. (Do not “french kiss” said pet–please!)

Put aside this single-minded (heh) obsession with becoming a Mrs. You’ll be happier for it.  And no, I’m not a Smug Married.  I’m a 31-year-old single, jobless woman who recently noticed a thin, hard line forming on the left side of her mouth. But at least take my advice about “Man on Wire.” It really is fantastic.

One more thing: What is UP with those creepy little-girl silhouettes that adorn all of the women’s headboards and keep popping up on their caps and shirts?! Yuck.

Oh and: Stephanie is great and all, but she dresses like a 15-year-old. Which makes her look a lot older, methinks.

The Bachelor, Week Three: So I’m watching The Bachelor again. It’s like the bad boyfriend I keep taking back, even though I know only suffering awaits. Ah well. If I have to watch it (and I do, I do), I might as well write about it. Also, it’s too early to go to bed. So! The drama this week made my head spin. I was thinking: Jason is probably one of the most normal-seeming, mature Bachelors in the history of this show…so why is this season so darned nutty?

But before we get to Crazy Town, let’s begin in a happier place…Legoland! Jason took single mom Stephanie on a date, and surprised her by having her daughter Sophia (Sofia?) show up. The threesome headed to Legoland to celebrate Sophia’s 4th birthday. It was awfully sweet. Except. I dunno. Isn’t it sort of early in this process for Stephanie’s daughter to make an appearance? It was only her first date with Jason. Who knows if there’s any there there, and already Sophia and Jason have spent the day together, acting all family-like. (Of course, you could also make the case that when you’re a single parent, you need to know early on whether any potential mate can bond with your kid.) Getting Sophia involved was a weirdly serious move because Jason hasn’t expressed much feeling (besides admiration for all she’s been through) for Stephanie.

Next, some gals went on a group date and made plaster casts of their breasts to raise breast cancer awareness (see photo). This was a welcome activity for Mean Old Megan, who said she’s normally a total do-gooder and has had a hard time not hearing people express gratitude for her presence since she’s been in the house. The bust art show that followed also gave Melissa (one of my faves so far, along with Jillian; am I crazy?) an ideal opening to talk about her breast-reduction surgery.

Somehow, Natalie, with her shiny, shiny tan and limp blonde hair, won a coveted single date. Off she went to Vegas, draped in borrowed diamonds, as the other girls cackled and crossed their fingers that she would never return. Over an awkward dinner, Natalie told Jason that she’s damned sick of being stereotyped just because she’s blonde and enjoys shopping. There’s more to her, there really is. Like, she loves bears, too. All kinds of bears.

After that revelation, Natalie seemed shocked that Jason gave her the boot.  He told her that she seemed to want to explore herself (hee hee). Natalie responded that she’d explored herself (hee hee) quite enough, thank you. (Like how did he think she ever came to that conclusion about bears? That obviously required some serious introspection.) Natalie huffed and puffed but it was no use; some faceless brute emerged to strip of her diamonds and send her away.

The pre-rose ceremony social was full of dramz. Everyone said that everyone else threw them under the bus.  They said, “You threw me under the bus!” over and over. They liked the ring of it, I guess. Then that crazy ringmaster Chris Harrison called on all the girls to tell why they hate Megan. (Hey Chris, save something for “The Women Tell All.”) It was all so stressful that Shannon the dental hygienist had to run to the bathroom and vomit (thanks for the audio on that, ABC!). Jason won my heart when he offered her some ginger ale, my cure-all of choice.

In the end, Jason sent Talky Erica and Silent Kari home. Do you think he made the right choices? And when do you think Megan will be sent to, uh, that big lacrosse field offscreen?

Holly Montag continued to attempt to bring about peace in them thar Hills this week. Unfortunately, it has taken Holly the better part of the season to get to the deep truth that most viewers realized two years ago: Spencer is the problem. (Um. Duh?) At Holly’s urging, Heidi wrote Lauren a pointless letter, along the lines of her pointless IMs and her pointless visit to LC’s apartment last season. Anyway, Lauren seemed pretty unmoved by Heidi’s heartfelt prose. Meanwhile, Spencer continued to be totally evil and Audrina went out with a new guy but ruined it when she couldn’t STFU about Justin Bobby. 

So, on to that philosophical question posed by LC as she lounged by the pool: What if Heidi never met Spencer?

Well, The Hills probably wouldn’t even be on the air anymore, for one thing. (Season One? Dull!) But putting that aside, do you think LC and Heidi would still be pals if Spencer never existed? And do you think Holly, with her blindly optimistic peacemongering, would make a good Secretary of State?

The Hills was actually sort of amusing last night, but I just can’t do it this week. To sum up: Everyone is mad at everyone and crying. Doug jumped in the pool and splashed Whitney and called Lauren his “ex-fling” and decorates his house with drawings and photos of his stupid face. But they’re all filthy rich so who cares? The end.

On the reality show The Hills, Audrina and Lauren have just tearily recommitted to togetherness. But in real life, Audrina has moved out of her “chateau.” She tells Maxim the move will ultimately make her friendships stronger (yea, that’s what Spencer told Heidi when she moved out on LC, too), but then she says of Lauren and Lo: “They grew up together and hang out all the time; they’re like the Bobbsey Twins.” Ouch!

Johnny Depp has signed on to play the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s version of Alice in Wonderland. It’s due out in 2010–so excited! I just hope Johnny doesn’t use the same fake teeth he used as Willy Wonka. Eesh.

I know we usually stick to inane TV around here, but my mind is on good music today (well, most days, really). Though I’m unemployed and penniless, I did manage to find enough change in my sofa to spring for Jenny Lewis’s new record Acid Tongue this week. Jenny is the former child actor (Troop Beverly Hills anyone?), current lead singer of Rilo Kiley, and oft-described “indie-rock heartthrob.” 

Her first solo outing, 2006’s Rabbit Fur Coat, with the Watson Twins, was gorgeous, one of those records I still can’t get enough of. Initially, listening to Acid Tongue, I missed the rich harmonies that  Jenny + Watson Twins offered on RFC. The first two songs on AT (“Black Sand” and ”Pretty Bird”)  didn’t immediately grab me. But the title track is wonderful, as is “The Next Messiah,” and I love the girl-group sound of “Trying My Best to Love You.” The whole thing sounds like it was awfully fun to record, like friends hanging out playing music—-if your friends were Elvis Costello, Chris Robinson, M. Ward, and Zooey Deschanel, and if your dad was a harmonica player who chimed in on some songs, and your sister sang some back-up, too, and if you could rock a fedora as effortlessly as Jenny.

Jenny’s beau, Johnathan Rice, was one of the producers on AT and the sound of “Carpetbaggers,” particularly, reminded me of Jenny + Johnathan’s duet “The End of the Affair,” from Johnathan’s record, Further North.

Anyway, Acid Tongue is growing on me more by the listen; I’m just happy to have some new music from Ms. Lewis to keep me company. (Wow, this is really earnest. I’d better sign off now.)

Just one more thing: Check out this L.A. Times article on the making of Acid Tongue, and Greg Kot’s (of the Chicago Tribune) take here. Love this quote from Jenny in Kot’s piece:  “I can’t believe that I ever got a pass to play music in the first place. I was a child actor — are you kidding me? I should be like Corey Haim or Corey Feldman or the chick from ‘Diff’rent Strokes.’”

Time for a mini Bachelor update! Remember when Jen Schefft was Better Single Than Sorry? Welp, now she’s Better Engaged Than Sorry (or something).  And she just met the guy in February! On a blind date, no less! “I guess it’s true things move fast when you meet the right person,” Jen tells People.

It’s no wonder she ran to People with her news, rather than Us Weekly. After all, Us gave her ex Andrew Firestone a cover story a few months ago wherein he yammered on about his “second chance at love” and how annoying it is when Jen texts him, etc. No surprise, then, that Us gets Andrew’s big news: He and his new wife Ivana are expecting a lil’ Bachelor (or Bachelorette).

And now to DeAnna and Jesse. I’m a little worried. They just announced to People that they’re scaling down their wedding. There’s certainly nothing wrong with a small wedding, but it seems the demise of Bachelor couples always begins with something like “scaling down.” Then it’s “We’re both so busy!” and then it’s “The wedding is postponed, but we’re still in love!” and then, before you know it, the ring is on eBay.

DeAnna told People: “We’re both so busy all the time. We don’t have time right now to plan a wedding, and we’re planning a wedding, which is crazy.” Gulp.

Oh and another thing: Why do all those creepy feet on Jen’s book cover have such odd, ugly shoes on? Hm.

Last night brought–finally!–the much anticipated, much foreshadowed She-Pratt betrayal: Stephanie and Doug went on a date. They were totally secretive (except that Stephanie had already told Spencer and Audrina, who told Lo and Heidi, and there were, um, cameras there) but then Brody’s nosy mother ruined everything!  

Before that went down, though, Lauren ran off to Italy, where high-heels are apparently forbidden. The trip wasn’t explained, which made me think it maybe had something to do with LC’s “global branding“ initiative or some other part of her “real life,” which must never be mentioned on the reality show. But! It was just a boring family trip, as these pics show.

Anyway, with Lauren away, Audrina experienced her own version of la dolce vita, freely using the kitchen and even laying out by the pool with a strawberry margarita. But her bliss was cut short by a visit from the She-Pratt, who sought permission to date Doug. Aundrina mumbled something about “being careful” as Stephanie wondered how LC could possibly find out. Oh, I dunno. You’ve told one of her close friends who will now tell everyone? Or like, you’re on a TV show and you’re being filmed all the time? Or Brody’s mom will catch you?

As Steph and Dougie basked in the candlelight at Beso (owned by famed restauranter Eva Longoria Parker), I couldn’t help but think they were kind of a good match: Stephanie, with her awkward hair and shiny pink lips and tacky necklace of blue baubles; Doug, with his large head and dim grin and ever-present V-neck tee-shirt—-well, these crazy kids just might have a shot! But then Brody’s mom, whose face was a disturbing preview of what Heidi’s will look like in about 30 years, totally caught them. Everyone said, “You look so pretty!” and “Nice meeting you!” 100 times, and then Brody’s mom hurried off to tell her son about her brush with evil.

Meanwhile, Audrina and Justin Bobby  (now identified as “Audrina’s boyfriend” when he appears—an upgrade, no?) spent quality time with Spencer and Heidi. Spencer attempted to engage JB in a discussion about The Dark Knight  (Spencer: “It should have been called The Joker!”) that went absolutely nowhere. Heidi said she’s just relieved (“Praise Jesus!”) to be away from all the drama with LC and Stephanie. Praise Jesus, indeed.

When LC returned, declaring that Italy was “like a construction site” of men desperately calling out to her, she didn’t seem too happy (maybe because the Italian sun didn’t fix her brown upper lip problem?).  Later, Brody told Lauren about the She-Pratt’s betrayal, musing, “It’s kind of ironic.” Clearly, he was using “ironic” in that Alanis Morissette sort of way, meaning wrongly. (The lyrics to “Ironic” are made actually ironic here.) Then Brody, who hooked up with LC’s bestie Jen Bunney, rupturing their decade-long friendship and subsequently casting Bunney out of the charmed circle forever, spoke about the importance of loyalty and friendship and honor. Kind of ironic.

What do you think? Should Stephanie have gone out with Doug? Should Doug have gone out with Stephanie? Should The Dark Knight have been called The Joker?

By now we’ve all heard—if not quite accepted or really comprehended or fully dealt with—the news that Lauren Conrad has signed a three-book deal with HarperCollins. Her YA series, about a girl who moves to L.A. and ends up on a reality show [insert joke here, I am too beaten down to do so] will be called: L.A. Candy. The first book is due out in summer 2009.

Okay, so the title sucks and, as I’ve told several friends, I think they should have rushed the book to print; I predict that no one will care about The Hills by next summer. (Hello, does anyone remember The Truth About Diamonds?) Still, that doesn’t mean myself and other would-be writers didn’t quietly weep and that our souls didn’t die a little as HarperCollins declared that they’d never experienced such buzz around a project.

Anyway, it got me thinking: Do those Hills kids actually read? And if so, what? For the She-Pratt’s recent birthday, LC gifted her the coffee table book The Handbag: An Illustrated History. Then Stephanie gave Spencer The Secret History of the CIA (ha!) by Joseph J. Trento. Heidi, of course, reads the Bible. And way back in Season Two, Lauren read You Didn’t Hear It From Us, a how-to about meeting men written by two bartenders.

That’s all I’ve got. Until L.A. Candy appears, to rot our teeth as well as our hopes and dreams.