Holly Montag continued to attempt to bring about peace in them thar Hills this week. Unfortunately, it has taken Holly the better part of the season to get to the deep truth that most viewers realized two years ago: Spencer is the problem. (Um. Duh?) At Holly’s urging, Heidi wrote Lauren a pointless letter, along the lines of her pointless IMs and her pointless visit to LC’s apartment last season. Anyway, Lauren seemed pretty unmoved by Heidi’s heartfelt prose. Meanwhile, Spencer continued to be totally evil and Audrina went out with a new guy but ruined it when she couldn’t STFU about Justin Bobby. 

So, on to that philosophical question posed by LC as she lounged by the pool: What if Heidi never met Spencer?

Well, The Hills probably wouldn’t even be on the air anymore, for one thing. (Season One? Dull!) But putting that aside, do you think LC and Heidi would still be pals if Spencer never existed? And do you think Holly, with her blindly optimistic peacemongering, would make a good Secretary of State?

The Hills was actually sort of amusing last night, but I just can’t do it this week. To sum up: Everyone is mad at everyone and crying. Doug jumped in the pool and splashed Whitney and called Lauren his “ex-fling” and decorates his house with drawings and photos of his stupid face. But they’re all filthy rich so who cares? The end.

On the reality show The Hills, Audrina and Lauren have just tearily recommitted to togetherness. But in real life, Audrina has moved out of her “chateau.” She tells Maxim the move will ultimately make her friendships stronger (yea, that’s what Spencer told Heidi when she moved out on LC, too), but then she says of Lauren and Lo: “They grew up together and hang out all the time; they’re like the Bobbsey Twins.” Ouch!

Johnny Depp has signed on to play the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton’s version of Alice in Wonderland. It’s due out in 2010–so excited! I just hope Johnny doesn’t use the same fake teeth he used as Willy Wonka. Eesh.

I know we usually stick to inane TV around here, but my mind is on good music today (well, most days, really). Though I’m unemployed and penniless, I did manage to find enough change in my sofa to spring for Jenny Lewis’s new record Acid Tongue this week. Jenny is the former child actor (Troop Beverly Hills anyone?), current lead singer of Rilo Kiley, and oft-described “indie-rock heartthrob.”

Her first solo outing, 2006’s Rabbit Fur Coat, with the Watson Twins, was gorgeous, one of those records I still can’t get enough of. Initially, listening to Acid Tongue, I missed the rich harmonies that  Jenny + Watson Twins offered on RFC. The first two songs on AT (”Black Sand” and ”Pretty Bird”)  didn’t immediately grab me. But the title track is wonderful, as is “The Next Messiah,” and I love the girl-group sound of “Trying My Best to Love You.” The whole thing sounds like it was awfully fun to record, like friends hanging out playing music—-if your friends were Elvis Costello, Chris Robinson, M. Ward, and Zooey Deschanel, and if your dad was a harmonica player who chimed in on some songs, and your sister sang some back-up, too, and if you could rock a fedora as effortlessly as Jenny.

Jenny’s beau, Johnathan Rice, was one of the producers on AT and the sound of “Carpetbaggers,” particularly, reminded me of Jenny + Johnathan’s duet “The End of the Affair,” from Johnathan’s record, Further North.

Anyway, Acid Tongue is growing on me more by the listen; I’m just happy to have some new music from Ms. Lewis to keep me company. (Wow, this is really earnest. I’d better sign off now.)

Just one more thing: Check out this L.A. Times article on the making of Acid Tongue, and Greg Kot’s (of the Chicago Tribune) take here. Love this quote from Jenny in Kot’s piece:  “I can’t believe that I ever got a pass to play music in the first place. I was a child actor — are you kidding me? I should be like Corey Haim or Corey Feldman or the chick from ‘Diff’rent Strokes.’”

Time for a mini Bachelor update! Remember when Jen Schefft was Better Single Than Sorry? Welp, now she’s Better Engaged Than Sorry (or something).  And she just met the guy in February! On a blind date, no less! “I guess it’s true things move fast when you meet the right person,” Jen tells People.

It’s no wonder she ran to People with her news, rather than Us Weekly. After all, Us gave her ex Andrew Firestone a cover story a few months ago wherein he yammered on about his “second chance at love” and how annoying it is when Jen texts him, etc. No surprise, then, that Us gets Andrew’s big news: He and his new wife Ivana are expecting a lil’ Bachelor (or Bachelorette).

And now to DeAnna and Jesse. I’m a little worried. They just announced to People that they’re scaling down their wedding. There’s certainly nothing wrong with a small wedding, but it seems the demise of Bachelor couples always begins with something like “scaling down.” Then it’s “We’re both so busy!” and then it’s “The wedding is postponed, but we’re still in love!” and then, before you know it, the ring is on eBay.

DeAnna told People: “We’re both so busy all the time. We don’t have time right now to plan a wedding, and we’re planning a wedding, which is crazy.” Gulp.

Oh and another thing: Why do all those creepy feet on Jen’s book cover have such odd, ugly shoes on? Hm.

Last night brought–finally!–the much anticipated, much foreshadowed She-Pratt betrayal: Stephanie and Doug went on a date. They were totally secretive (except that Stephanie had already told Spencer and Audrina, who told Lo and Heidi, and there were, um, cameras there) but then Brody’s nosy mother ruined everything!  

Before that went down, though, Lauren ran off to Italy, where high-heels are apparently forbidden. The trip wasn’t explained, which made me think it maybe had something to do with LC’s “global branding“ initiative or some other part of her “real life,” which must never be mentioned on the reality show. But! It was just a boring family trip, as these pics show.

Anyway, with Lauren away, Audrina experienced her own version of la dolce vita, freely using the kitchen and even laying out by the pool with a strawberry margarita. But her bliss was cut short by a visit from the She-Pratt, who sought permission to date Doug. Aundrina mumbled something about “being careful” as Stephanie wondered how LC could possibly find out. Oh, I dunno. You’ve told one of her close friends who will now tell everyone? Or like, you’re on a TV show and you’re being filmed all the time? Or Brody’s mom will catch you?

As Steph and Dougie basked in the candlelight at Beso (owned by famed restauranter Eva Longoria Parker), I couldn’t help but think they were kind of a good match: Stephanie, with her awkward hair and shiny pink lips and tacky necklace of blue baubles; Doug, with his large head and dim grin and ever-present V-neck tee-shirt—-well, these crazy kids just might have a shot! But then Brody’s mom, whose face was a disturbing preview of what Heidi’s will look like in about 30 years, totally caught them. Everyone said, “You look so pretty!” and “Nice meeting you!” 100 times, and then Brody’s mom hurried off to tell her son about her brush with evil.

Meanwhile, Audrina and Justin Bobby  (now identified as “Audrina’s boyfriend” when he appears—an upgrade, no?) spent quality time with Spencer and Heidi. Spencer attempted to engage JB in a discussion about The Dark Knight  (Spencer: “It should have been called The Joker!”) that went absolutely nowhere. Heidi said she’s just relieved (”Praise Jesus!”) to be away from all the drama with LC and Stephanie. Praise Jesus, indeed.

When LC returned, declaring that Italy was “like a construction site” of men desperately calling out to her, she didn’t seem too happy (maybe because the Italian sun didn’t fix her brown upper lip problem?).  Later, Brody told Lauren about the She-Pratt’s betrayal, musing, “It’s kind of ironic.” Clearly, he was using “ironic” in that Alanis Morissette sort of way, meaning wrongly. (The lyrics to “Ironic” are made actually ironic here.) Then Brody, who hooked up with LC’s bestie Jen Bunney, rupturing their decade-long friendship and subsequently casting Bunney out of the charmed circle forever, spoke about the importance of loyalty and friendship and honor. Kind of ironic.

What do you think? Should Stephanie have gone out with Doug? Should Doug have gone out with Stephanie? Should The Dark Knight have been called The Joker?

By now we’ve all heard—if not quite accepted or really comprehended or fully dealt with—the news that Lauren Conrad has signed a three-book deal with HarperCollins. Her YA series, about a girl who moves to L.A. and ends up on a reality show [insert joke here, I am too beaten down to do so] will be called: L.A. Candy. The first book is due out in summer 2009.

Okay, so the title sucks and, as I’ve told several friends, I think they should have rushed the book to print; I predict that no one will care about The Hills by next summer. (Hello, does anyone remember The Truth About Diamonds?) Still, that doesn’t mean myself and other would-be writers didn’t quietly weep and that our souls didn’t die a little as HarperCollins declared that they’d never experienced such buzz around a project.

Anyway, it got me thinking: Do those Hills kids actually read? And if so, what? For the She-Pratt’s recent birthday, LC gifted her the coffee table book The Handbag: An Illustrated History. Then Stephanie gave Spencer The Secret History of the CIA (ha!) by Joseph J. Trento. Heidi, of course, reads the Bible. And way back in Season Two, Lauren read You Didn’t Hear It From Us, a how-to about meeting men written by two bartenders.

That’s all I’ve got. Until L.A. Candy appears, to rot our teeth as well as our hopes and dreams.

We’re experiencing the worst financial crisis in maybe 100 years, Sarah Palin [and I must quote Ed Koch here] “scares the hell out of me,” and it seems like the world is hurtling towards certain doom. But we still have The Hills, right? And maybe if Lauren and Heidi could just be friends again, the entire universe would magically fall back in line.

Last night, Heidi’s older sister Holly tried mightily to instigate peace talks between LC and Heidi. First, she met Lauren for lunch. “Heidi is feeling overwhelmed with how badly everything turned out with you guys,” Holly said as Lauren nodded warily. Then Holly waxed nostalgic about how much fun they all used to have. But LC, her upper lip an unbecoming shade of dirt brown (perhaps a result of a tanning accident?), remained noncommittal. She later said that all the dramz with Stephanie made her reluctant to poach yet another Speidi relative.

Heidi was none too pleased when she learned of the Holly-Lauren meeting. “You guys are both my little sisters!” Holly protested. “But I am your little sister,” Heidi pointed out, in a rare moment of clarity. Holly said she’d done it all for Heidi’s benefit, adding, “Nothing is beyond repair. I could tell that she misses you.”

Meanwhile, just as Audrina mended her friendships with Lauren and Lo, her relationship with Justin Bobby fell apart. We’d all been waiting for the new and improved JB to revert to form and he did last night, failing to show at Audrina’s big work event: A concert by The White Tie Affair, remarkable for being the sweatiest band in the history of ever. [My mom: "Why are those guys so wet?"]

Anyway, LC showed up and bobbed her head at the weird show. Hell, even Lo showed up and greeted Audrina with, “Hi sweetie!” But JB, despite his promises to attend, was absent (cut to Audrina’s sad face amidst a throng of happy concert-goers).

Later, Heidi, in what seemed like the first honest emotion she has displayed in eons (maybe her face finally relaxed?), admitted to a friend: “I never even had a best friend like [Lauren]. I said things out of anger that I didn’t mean. Maybe Holly will peace everything out. Maybe one day, by some miracle, we’ll be friends again.” But Lauren told Stephanie that, while she misses Heidi, she didn’t have high hopes for a reconciliation.

What do you think? Will Heidi and Lauren ever be friends again, or was Lauren’s “forgive you, forget you” statement the final word on the matter? Will JB ever get his head on straight? Will LC’s upper lip be okay?

Oh and another thing: I read that Whitney’s new NYC-based show is called The City. Really? That’s the best they could do?

Okay, first of all: casino jail? So not real jail. They probably have TV in there! Maybe even slot machines!

Like so much in Vegas, the promised jailing of Brody Jenner was revealed as nothing but a Mirage (heh) on last night’s episode of The Hills. As the girls phoned prisons and bail bondsmen (”There’s so many bail bonds,” Stephanie said with a weary air of authority), Brody and Dougie strolled in, looking no worse than usual and laughing about their five hours in casino lockup. Sigh.

Before we get to the real cry-your-eyelashes-off drama, let’s deal with Speidi. There was something wonderfully ridiculous about Spencer chiding Holly for sitting on the couch all day. Pot. Kettle. Black. Much? Also, his explanation to Heidi that her sister hadn’t called her back because “Maybe she was in a tunnel.” Yeah, a tunnel of lies constructed by Spencer! Ha! He’s back in rare evil form. Perhaps his powers returned when he shaved off that unfortunate beard?

Anyway, the whole episode was obviously building to the long-awaited Lauren-Audrina summit. The suspense! Would they ever actually talk or just keep texting about possibly talking? Before we could find out, there was a zipper that needed repairing on Lady Gaga’s space alien catsuit. (Whitney! What were you thinking? Hope DVF missed this episode!) But as the saga of Lady Gaga (sorry, couldn’t help myself) gave way to a generic acoustic ballad, we knew the moment of reckoning was upon us.

When the girls finally sat down, Lauren went on the offensive right away, pointing out all the many ways she had tried to connect with Audrina. She called! She texted! She even went to concerts! And why? She did it all for friendship! “I’m awkwardly bobbing my head at the weird shows, but it’s just because we’re friends! I do it for you!” Lauren said, in what possibly are the greatest sentences she’s ever uttered.

LC was a total pro (hey, she’s been having these “I feel like I’ve lost my best friend” talks for years now) and Audrina was clearly outmatched. She had no choice but to manufacture some tears and make a weak plea to forget the past and “move forward.” With that, our girls hugged it out and the eyeliner runneth over. I don’t know about you, but I feel totes cleansed. And I’m ready to keep awkwardly bobbing my head at this weird show.