The Ultimate Cheese

Finding myself again in front of my parents’ TV on Sunday (I know, I should get out more), I was pleased to come upon a one-hour A&E bio of Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, clearly meant as a primer for the two riveting new episodes of The Two Coreys airing later in the evening. I took in this informative biography with my mom and my younger sister, who was slightly cranky, as I was holding the remote.

It was a relief—after watching the trainwreck that was The Two Coreys last week—to see The Coreys restored to youth and 80s glory in the biography. But as cute shots of them as toddlers (or, as their parents might say, “good little wage-earners”) and as teen idols gave way to drugs, arrests, and general failure, the mood turned gloomy. Near the end, Feldman cheerfully insisted that the whole mess had been worth it. “If I hadn’t f—k’d up as much as I had, I wouldn’t have gotten the lesson,” he said.

“But you might have a career!” my sister shouted.

Then Haim came on and babbled incoherently about being clean. He may have convinced the producers of Lost Boys 2: The Tribe of his sobriety, but he did not manage to convince my mother. “I don’t think he’s off the drugs,” she said. “I don’t believe him.”

“How can he have a comeback now?” my sister wondered. “He’s like 40.” [Actually, he’s 36 but he looks at least 40 so whatevs.]

“Maybe he can have a comeback behind the camera,” my mom offered, generously.

“People have comebacks…” I began, and struggled to think of someone besides that former child star dude who was nominated for an Oscar for Little Children after having not worked for like 20 years. Him.

“Like Jason Bateman!” my sister said.

“He’s wholesome-looking,” my mom pointed out. “But this guy [Haim] is scary! His eyes blink! You can tell he’s a nervous wreck!”

“In fairness, mom, all of our eyes blink,” I said.

“But you don’t blink like this!” She proceeded to open and shut her eyes maniacally in a scary-yet-accurate impression of the Haimster. I conceded the point.

“Maybe I can write his comeback vehicle,” I said, feeling inspired.

“Just write ‘Truth,’ and ‘Man,’” my mom suggested, neatly summarizing most of the dialogue on last week’s episodes of The Two Coreys.

“And ‘Deep!’” my sister added, correctly identifying The Coreys’ other favorite word.

“Maybe a reality show,” I said, suddenly feeling less inspired and more sleepy and daunted. “It could be called, Who Wants to Marry Corey Haim? Feldman and Susie could be judges, and maybe Haim’s mom and like the editor of Twist magazine or something? And Haim’s ex-girlfriends, like Nicole Eggert, could make guest appearances.”

“I’m sure someone still wants to marry him,” I continued. “Maybe it could be me. Maybe I’m the one who can save Corey Haim.”

“You’re not very patient or nurturing,” my sister said. [Okay, she didn't actually say that. But I know she said it in her head!] “I don’t think you’re right for him.”

“I am! I could be!” I yelped. Then I let the remote take us back where we belonged, the America’s Next Top Model marathon on MTV.

[Stay tuned for a summary of last night's The Two Coreys!]

Finding myself unexpectedly sprawled on my parents’ couch in New Jersey last night (I know, how does that happen?) and having been bombarded all day by relentless promos for the Season Two premiere of the A&E “reality” drama The Two Coreys, I decided to indulge. Oh and I made my mom watch with me. (Sorry, mom!)

Of course, I was familiar with 80s teen stars Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. (Which one did you covet back in the day? I had a giant crush on Goonies-era Feldman, but I’d switched my allegiance to Haim by License to Drive. My mom had/has no preference.) Although I didn’t partake in Season One, I was also familiar with the gist of The Two Coreys. Basically, The Coreys—now both 36. Yipes!—are trying to rebuild their careers and friendship after years of drug abuse (for Haim, especially), and lots of direct-to-DVD releases, and some sort of falling out, etc. I think the original idea was very “Odd Couple-y,” as single and still-wild (though apparently sober) Haim moved in with settled-down and cleaned-up Feldman, his wife Susie (whom he married on the first season of VH1’s The Surreal Life) and toddler son, Zen.

Anyway! It seems now that the whole “ha-ha we’re roomies and so different, watch us harmlessly bicker!” idea has gone out the window. Last night’s back-to-back episodes were more along the lines of Intervention; the show is grainy and brown (either that, or my parents’ TV is totally shot). It opened with The Coreys driving separately to meet each other for some big heart-to-heart about the miserable state of their friendship (the meeting was pre-arranged by managers and producers, naturally). It seems Haim had given some nasty interview to the National Enquirer and called Feldman’s wife a bitch, and then retreated to his native Canada, where he’d somehow managed to talk his way into a role in Lost Boys 2: The Tribe, which Feldman was supposed to be in alone! (The movie is going straight-to-DVD next month and stars no one you ever heard of besides The Coreys.)

So! The drama of them getting ready for their big meeting was almost too much. Feldman put on a white bedazzled hoodie (hood up, natch) and giant shades. “He looks like he’s going to a boxing match,” I commented as Feldman (right on cue) did some air punches in the mirror. “Or to hold up a 7-11!” my mom said. Well, yes.

Haim, wearing an ill-advised black knit cap, prepared by chain smoking. It must be said: Haim’s appearance is somewhat startling. His skin tone is oddly grey (or else—-dammit!—my folks really do need a new TV), his face is bloated, and he just doesn’t look well. His conversation is somewhat incoherent; one gets the feeling that he’s not all there and is really overly optimistic about his career (remember his “I’m ready to work” ad in Variety?) It’s sad, especially when, having just returned to LA, he stands out on his balcony and yells: “The kid’s back, baby!” Later, he insists, “I’m going to become a working actor and do some really good stuff.” Aww.

When our heroes finally met at a diner, the dialogue went something like this:

Corey: Let’s do this thing man!

Corey: How deep do you want to get, kid?

Corey: Real deep, man!

Corey: I’ll get deep, man!

Corey: Deep, kid!

Seriously, that’s how it was (and I didn’t bother differentiating between them here because there was no difference). But then it did get deep, a little. Both of them started talking about being molested as teenagers and Haim confessed that he was mad at Feldman for not doing something to protect him. Then Haim just bolted (did Feldman get stuck with the check?). “I don’t think they can ever be friends again,” my mom declared, as she inched away from the TV. I weakly tried to prevent her from fleeing: “Mom, it’s getting good!” But it was 10:45 p.m. and, seeing as nothing at all had happened, my mom was done with The Coreys. “All they say is ‘Man! Gimme the truth, man! Man! The truth! Deep! Man!’” and they don’t really say anything,” my mom pointed out. Faced with this logic, I had no choice but to let her go to bed, perchance to dream a little dream. Heh.

Later, Haim called Feldman and apologized for the Enquirer interview. Then they ended up going to a counselor. Friendship therapy–that’s progress! The end was sort of heartbreaking (really!). Sad Haim was in his sad apartment alone, painting sad paintings. “I really don’t have anyone to call in LA or anyone to hang out with,” he said. Cut to Feldman throwing a party at his pad (one of the twins from Nelson who is not the one named Gunnar was in attendance!) and making fun of the situation with Haim, much to everyone’s amusement.

I don’t know if I can commit to this show. First, seeing how The Coreys have aged makes me keenly aware of my own mortality. And, remembering their heydey, it’s depressing to see how excited they get about their current lame projects—-and it also makes me wonder whether I’m similarly deluded about my own career prospects. (Yes, I realize that I have a tendency to make absolutely everything about me. So?) Also, there’s probably no way I can trick my mom into watching this again. Sigh.