The Ultimate Cheese

On last night’s three-hour (Lord!) wrap-up of The Bachelorette, DeAnna chose pro snowboarder Jesse Csincsak of Colorado (he of the pink shoelaces) to be her future husband and the father of her impending brood. I’m happy. (Sorry, that’s the best I can come up with at 2 a.m. after three hours of Chris Harrison’s yapping.) But Jeremy came back! Then, later, Jason came back! And “happy Bachelor couple” Matt Grant and Monkey! In the meantime, former Bachelor Andrew Firestone got married last weekend. Woah, we have a lot to discuss. The good news is that I’m unemployed so I can talk about this stuff all day, yo. In the meantime: What did you think of DeAnna’s decision?

As you know, I haven’t been blogging The Bachelorette (just watching those two hour episodes take a lot of out me!). But I will be blogging about Monday’s big finale. It’s been a very exciting season. Even last week’s The Men Tell All (usually a throwaway in the build-up to the last episode) made for gripping television. I was proud of DeAnna for not taking any crap, though she came off as kind of shrill. She’s shown the same no-nonsense attitude throughout the season, and previously, when she had to confront Brad Womack on After The Final Rose. As Brad squirmed through her relentless questions about his motives, I wrote in my notes: It might not work out with Brad, but this girl has a future as an investigative reporter!

There’s an interview with Jeremy “Perfect” Anderson over at realitytvworld.com and his take on DeAnna’s attitude was less charitable: “She’s normally really, really sweet to everybody and some of the comments she was making on The Men Tell All were very off for her,” he said. “Maybe she was just in a different mood or she’s ready to be over with everything.  I don’t know.  But she definitely was not her normal overly-nice self.”

I say: It’s got to be tough to be confronted by a room full of guys with bruised egos (especially guys now banding together like some sort of Fraternity for the Broken-Hearted. It definitely felt like they were ganging up on her.) DeAnna came out swingin.’ Atta girl.

What do you think? Was Deanna too harsh on The Men Tell All? 

Even though I poked fun, I think it was apparent in my posts that I felt a good deal of sympathy for former teen idol Corey Haim. His rise. His fall. His struggle to scratch and crawl his way back—well, it all made my heart ache a bit. Especially the above Variety ad, which struck me as so hopeful, yet so clueless.

But that was last week. This week, I lost my job. This week, I’m unemployed. Now I feel differently. Now I feel empathy. Now I look at that Variety  ad and think, yes, Corey Haim, I feel you. I, too, am ready to work. It’s a damn shame you filled your assistant position so quickly.

Finding myself again in front of my parents’ TV on Sunday (I know, I should get out more), I was pleased to come upon a one-hour A&E bio of Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, clearly meant as a primer for the two riveting new episodes of The Two Coreys airing later in the evening. I took in this informative biography with my mom and my younger sister, who was slightly cranky, as I was holding the remote.

It was a relief—after watching the trainwreck that was The Two Coreys last week—to see The Coreys restored to youth and 80s glory in the biography. But as cute shots of them as toddlers (or, as their parents might say, “good little wage-earners”) and as teen idols gave way to drugs, arrests, and general failure, the mood turned gloomy. Near the end, Feldman cheerfully insisted that the whole mess had been worth it. “If I hadn’t f—k’d up as much as I had, I wouldn’t have gotten the lesson,” he said.

“But you might have a career!” my sister shouted.

Then Haim came on and babbled incoherently about being clean. He may have convinced the producers of Lost Boys 2: The Tribe of his sobriety, but he did not manage to convince my mother. “I don’t think he’s off the drugs,” she said. “I don’t believe him.”

“How can he have a comeback now?” my sister wondered. “He’s like 40.” [Actually, he’s 36 but he looks at least 40 so whatevs.]

“Maybe he can have a comeback behind the camera,” my mom offered, generously.

“People have comebacks…” I began, and struggled to think of someone besides that former child star dude who was nominated for an Oscar for Little Children after having not worked for like 20 years. Him.

“Like Jason Bateman!” my sister said.

“He’s wholesome-looking,” my mom pointed out. “But this guy [Haim] is scary! His eyes blink! You can tell he’s a nervous wreck!”

“In fairness, mom, all of our eyes blink,” I said.

“But you don’t blink like this!” She proceeded to open and shut her eyes maniacally in a scary-yet-accurate impression of the Haimster. I conceded the point.

“Maybe I can write his comeback vehicle,” I said, feeling inspired.

“Just write ‘Truth,’ and ‘Man,’” my mom suggested, neatly summarizing most of the dialogue on last week’s episodes of The Two Coreys.

“And ‘Deep!’” my sister added, correctly identifying The Coreys’ other favorite word.

“Maybe a reality show,” I said, suddenly feeling less inspired and more sleepy and daunted. “It could be called, Who Wants to Marry Corey Haim? Feldman and Susie could be judges, and maybe Haim’s mom and like the editor of Twist magazine or something? And Haim’s ex-girlfriends, like Nicole Eggert, could make guest appearances.”

“I’m sure someone still wants to marry him,” I continued. “Maybe it could be me. Maybe I’m the one who can save Corey Haim.”

“You’re not very patient or nurturing,” my sister said. [Okay, she didn't actually say that. But I know she said it in her head!] “I don’t think you’re right for him.”

“I am! I could be!” I yelped. Then I let the remote take us back where we belonged, the America’s Next Top Model marathon on MTV.

[Stay tuned for a summary of last night's The Two Coreys!]

Finding myself unexpectedly sprawled on my parents’ couch in New Jersey last night (I know, how does that happen?) and having been bombarded all day by relentless promos for the Season Two premiere of the A&E “reality” drama The Two Coreys, I decided to indulge. Oh and I made my mom watch with me. (Sorry, mom!)

Of course, I was familiar with 80s teen stars Corey Haim and Corey Feldman. (Which one did you covet back in the day? I had a giant crush on Goonies-era Feldman, but I’d switched my allegiance to Haim by License to Drive. My mom had/has no preference.) Although I didn’t partake in Season One, I was also familiar with the gist of The Two Coreys. Basically, The Coreys—now both 36. Yipes!—are trying to rebuild their careers and friendship after years of drug abuse (for Haim, especially), and lots of direct-to-DVD releases, and some sort of falling out, etc. I think the original idea was very “Odd Couple-y,” as single and still-wild (though apparently sober) Haim moved in with settled-down and cleaned-up Feldman, his wife Susie (whom he married on the first season of VH1’s The Surreal Life) and toddler son, Zen.

Anyway! It seems now that the whole “ha-ha we’re roomies and so different, watch us harmlessly bicker!” idea has gone out the window. Last night’s back-to-back episodes were more along the lines of Intervention; the show is grainy and brown (either that, or my parents’ TV is totally shot). It opened with The Coreys driving separately to meet each other for some big heart-to-heart about the miserable state of their friendship (the meeting was pre-arranged by managers and producers, naturally). It seems Haim had given some nasty interview to the National Enquirer and called Feldman’s wife a bitch, and then retreated to his native Canada, where he’d somehow managed to talk his way into a role in Lost Boys 2: The Tribe, which Feldman was supposed to be in alone! (The movie is going straight-to-DVD next month and stars no one you ever heard of besides The Coreys.)

So! The drama of them getting ready for their big meeting was almost too much. Feldman put on a white bedazzled hoodie (hood up, natch) and giant shades. “He looks like he’s going to a boxing match,” I commented as Feldman (right on cue) did some air punches in the mirror. “Or to hold up a 7-11!” my mom said. Well, yes.

Haim, wearing an ill-advised black knit cap, prepared by chain smoking. It must be said: Haim’s appearance is somewhat startling. His skin tone is oddly grey (or else—-dammit!—my folks really do need a new TV), his face is bloated, and he just doesn’t look well. His conversation is somewhat incoherent; one gets the feeling that he’s not all there and is really overly optimistic about his career (remember his “I’m ready to work” ad in Variety?) It’s sad, especially when, having just returned to LA, he stands out on his balcony and yells: “The kid’s back, baby!” Later, he insists, “I’m going to become a working actor and do some really good stuff.” Aww.

When our heroes finally met at a diner, the dialogue went something like this:

Corey: Let’s do this thing man!

Corey: How deep do you want to get, kid?

Corey: Real deep, man!

Corey: I’ll get deep, man!

Corey: Deep, kid!

Seriously, that’s how it was (and I didn’t bother differentiating between them here because there was no difference). But then it did get deep, a little. Both of them started talking about being molested as teenagers and Haim confessed that he was mad at Feldman for not doing something to protect him. Then Haim just bolted (did Feldman get stuck with the check?). “I don’t think they can ever be friends again,” my mom declared, as she inched away from the TV. I weakly tried to prevent her from fleeing: “Mom, it’s getting good!” But it was 10:45 p.m. and, seeing as nothing at all had happened, my mom was done with The Coreys. “All they say is ‘Man! Gimme the truth, man! Man! The truth! Deep! Man!’” and they don’t really say anything,” my mom pointed out. Faced with this logic, I had no choice but to let her go to bed, perchance to dream a little dream. Heh.

Later, Haim called Feldman and apologized for the Enquirer interview. Then they ended up going to a counselor. Friendship therapy–that’s progress! The end was sort of heartbreaking (really!). Sad Haim was in his sad apartment alone, painting sad paintings. “I really don’t have anyone to call in LA or anyone to hang out with,” he said. Cut to Feldman throwing a party at his pad (one of the twins from Nelson who is not the one named Gunnar was in attendance!) and making fun of the situation with Haim, much to everyone’s amusement.

I don’t know if I can commit to this show. First, seeing how The Coreys have aged makes me keenly aware of my own mortality. And, remembering their heydey, it’s depressing to see how excited they get about their current lame projects—-and it also makes me wonder whether I’m similarly deluded about my own career prospects. (Yes, I realize that I have a tendency to make absolutely everything about me. So?) Also, there’s probably no way I can trick my mom into watching this again. Sigh.

Why, hello there! So The Hills is on hiatus, but the drama is not. Here’s a quick round-up of the latest news:

• The New York Observer has a fantastic profile of awesome-yet-fearsome “power bitch” Kelly Cutrone, Whitney’s boss at People’s Revolution. Says Kelly of her initial meeting with a teary Lauren in Season 1: “She was slow.” [Note to Kelly: Love that couch!]
• Speaking of Whitney, she will reportedly star in a new Hills spin-off. (Sorry, Speidi!) The show will depict Ms. Port’s new bi-coastal lifestyle and have her palling around with various NYC wanna-be “socialites.” Poor Whitney.
• Brody is getting his own show, too. (Sorry, Speidi!) The unfortunately-named Bromance will follow Brody as he seeks a new bestie to take Spencer’s place, and will feature hot tub elimination ceremonies. Ryan Seacrest is producing. “I can speak from experience — girls can come and go, but a ‘bromance’ can last forever,” Seacrest told Variety. Good god.
• Have Lauren and Audrina mended their fences? Possibly.
• Best for last: David Letterman totally eviscerated Spencer on his show last week. When Spencer says he doesn’t go to a club for less than $100,000, Dave cracks up and offers his best guess of Spencer’s actual fee: two beers. Ha! Meanwhile, creepy Fembot Heidi tries ineffectively to register sincerity on her frozen face and insists Spencer actually “lowballed” their fee. Right. Video here.

Chelsea has spoken! And she’s doing just fine, folks, so don’t worry! She revealed all to realitytvworld.com. (Who needs After the Final Rose? Not us!) Here’s some highlights from Chelsea’s interview:

On her attitude going into the final rose ceremony: “I definitely thought I was about to get proposed to. There was almost no doubt in my mind that I was going to end up with him. I was completely confident.”

On dissing Shayne: “Shayne and I are very different — very, very different. It was hard for me to see how he could love two women who are so different. … I don’t regret [making those comments] at all. (laughing) I’m very forward and honest. The way I felt that moment is what I said.”

On her current feelings about Matt and Shayne: “I have no bitter, hard feelings at all. I could easily be friends with the two of them and I really hope that they do make each other happy. I really hope that they make this last.”

On whether she will be the next Bachelorette: “Hey, you know what? Anything is worth considering. (laughing) I don’t know. I’d have to see where I’m at in my life at that point.”

Not surprisingly, Chelsea had nothing to say about Shayne’s Girls Gone Wild debut. Though she hasn’t spoken to Matt or Shayne since the show ended, Chelsea does chat with the other cast-offs. In fact, her and Amanda “Meeps” have become besties. “I talked to her for hours recently,” says Chelsea. Hmmm … wonder what they talked about?

So it’s the day after the day after The Bachelor chose his mate and you’re not sure how to feel (especially after the future bride of an English gentleman stripped down for sleazy Girls Gone Wild). Let’s take a deep breath and try to make sense of it all as we peruse the news coverage:

• From The Daily News: Shayne: “We’re not rushing into marriage right away, but we’re engaged, 100%. There’s a ring on my finger, baby. I am taken. As far as the wedding, we’ll make those plans when we’re ready.” Matt on future Daddy-In-Law Lorenzo Lamas: “I spoke to Lorenzo recently and we’re looking forward to doing ‘Renegade 2,’ father and son-in-law … A 6-foot-5, 240-pound Brit on the back of his Harley.”
• From UsWeekly.com: In the future, when Matt and Shayne let their grandchildren watch the run-up to their engagement, they will “TiVo through the other girls,” says Shayne. Makes sense. Also: Matt’s mum calls Shayne “monkey!” Aww.
• From Realitywanted.com: Matt and Shayne have invented an alter ego for Matt named “Bob,” whom they blame for the things Matt did on the show that Shayne does not like. (As in, “I wish Bob hadn’t made out with Chelsea quite so much.”) Also: Matt does not rule out trying his hand at acting. Good god.
  
• From Entertainment Weekly: “In the end, it came down to Chelsea’s energy versus Shayne’s warmth and total devotion to Matt (which he preferred to describe as ‘not having a selfish bone in her body.’)”
• From The Mirror (London): Matt’s parents “cannot wait for the wedding.” Apparently, no one told them about the whole “not rushing” thing. Whoops.
• From me: If these two ever split, the perfect headline would be: “This Monkey’s Gone to Heaven.” (Pixies fans? Anyone?)

Oh my. Shayne has posed in her skivvies for Girls Gone Wild magazine. (There’s a Girls Gone Wild magazine? Who knew?) The six-page pictorial apparently features no nudity, but, er, probably lots of shots like the one above. More details—and an unfortunate wedding veil photo—over at people.com.

The Hills (or whatever MTV played between all those damn commercials) was painful last night—and not in a good way! Can we even pretend this show is good anymore? It’s like that milk in my refrigerator that’s two days past due and sort of dubious, but which I use in my tea anyway out of sheer laziness. At this point, The Hills is curdled and totally unsatisfying.

Nothing was even close to resolved last night. In fact, nothing really happened at all. Audrina looked at an apartment. Lauren and Lo cooked crab. They invited Audrina to eat the crab with them. She already had other plans. Audrina told Lauren that Lo was coming between them. Lauren disagreed. The end. Oh and some nonsense in Vegas with Heidi and Spencer. It made no sense. It was, in the words of my viewing partner, “absurd.”

This “bonus season” was a mistake. There simply wasn’t enough going on to fill it out. MTV should learn a lesson from this. Rather than dragging out the seasons, call it quits when the drama runs dry. Make a better Season 4. Or just end the show. But don’t serve us this crab, for God’s sake.